“Like most people, the pandemic has changed my life drastically. Due to my city’s high cases and the chance to save money to buy something one day soon, I decided to move in with my mom, who’s in her early 70s. I’m single, so we have a lot of time to spend together, but it’s hard to find meaningful ways to bond with her. I’ve got this time to connect with her, but all we do is watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy every night and then she goes to bed. I’m having a hard time getting my silent-generation mom to open up about her past. Any ideas?” —Erica, 35, CA M.J. Rose: Wanting to know our mothers as people is a theme I have returned to in more than one of my novels, inspired by something that happened to me with my own mother. We were on a train trip from New York to Washington D.C. when I asked her to tell me a story about herself as a little girl. She said she’d told me them all. “There must be one you wanted to tell me but I wasn’t old enough to hear.” She thought about it for a moment and then she started talking, telling me a sad story about what it had been like for her when her parents divorced. As the scenery sped by and I listened to my mother’s voice— still troubled after a lifetime of accepting her past—I discovered a side to her that I never knew. Especially interesting is that her story gave me insights into her that helped me understand both her and myself in ways I had never imagined. My advice with your mom, who seems reticent, would be to suggest to her that the two of you create a journal, or a Pinterest board, of her life before she became your mother. I suggest you set aside an hour or two every week—something scheduled but not overwhelming. I’d start with going online and searching out imagery beginning where she grew up. Use Google maps and use “street view” to actually see the streets where she lived, her school, the movie theaters, parks or museums she visited when she was young. Some will look different, many will look the same. As you find the houses and buildings from her youth, take screenshots so you can save them and print them out for the on or off-line journal. Continue on to looking up books she read, to see the covers from her editions, the fashions she wore, her favorite restaurants and the food she loved—all the little tiny things that defined her in a non-threatening way. You can even ask about her favorite movies and find the movie posters and search them out. Then watch the movies together, one at a time instead ofWheel of Fortune. (Not that there’s anything wrong with Wheel.) While you are finding all these images, you should ask her questions. “Did you go to that park with your mom?” “Who did you see that movie with?” “Did you have friends that dressed like that too?” You’ll find that if you ease your way into all that asking if you are gentle and not too probing at the outset, chances are she’ll wind up telling you the stories of her life. As long she senses your curiosity as something caring and loving, as long as you are comforting when she hits a bad memory, as long as you don’t push, no matter how little she shares it will mean so much to you and to her that you’ve embarked on this journey together. And hopefully, gain insights and share memories that will ultimately be satisfying and bonding. Next, read inspiring life quotes.
