This life shake-up has impacted serious couples as well. Several celebrities, from Jennifer Lopez to Sarah Hyland, have had to put their wedding plans on hold due to safety concerns and local restrictions. But while some couples are waiting to get hitched until they can have a big wedding, others have opted to skip the formal ceremony entirely, gotten married privately or doing a virtual wedding, and used the funds they would have put toward a wedding as a down payment on a house. The phenomenon—dubbed the “millennial marriage”—isn’t new to the pandemic, but it’s gained traction lately. And a new Netflix series called Marriage or Mortgage touches on how just how many couples are considering ditching a wedding in favor of a new place to live. Each episode features the stories of couples that are trying to decide whether they want to put their money toward a wedding or a home, under the guidance of the hosts, Nashville-based real estate agent Nichole Holmes and wedding planner Sarah Miller. “Prices for a home and wedding have just skyrocketed from what they used to be,” says Miller. “Taking that amount of money and investing it in a home or using it for a wedding…it’s a dilemma that a lot of people are dealing with.” Miller says that some of the couples the show features “are in a true dilemma” trying to figure out which is best for them. But Holmes says that owning property—especially in the Nashville area where the show was filmed—is “a no-brainer.” She adds, “it’s smart to get in and make an investment now.” But Miller stresses that plenty of couples are making the choice of a home over a wedding (and vice versa) everywhere right now. “It’s real,” she says. “There’s nothing fake about this.”
What’s behind the millennial marriage trend?
It’s hard to say for sure, but there are some theories. “It’s reasonable to speculate that many people that choose to have a millennial marriage are most often driven by primarily economic reasons,” says Manhattan-based licensed clinical psychologist Joseph Cilona, Psy.D. Millennials earn “significantly less” than previous generations and they’ve faced plenty of uncertainty in life, whether from the pandemic, economic climate, or tough job markets, he says. As a result, he says, “uncertainty” around “future economic security” may push them to skip or forgo a traditional wedding and use the money toward the tangible investment of a home. Millennials also grew up watching a “historically high divorce rate,” with many being urged to wait until they’re older to get married, says relationship expert and dating coach Lee Wilson. As a result, some may focus more on things like buying a house than a traditional wedding. Millennials typically get married at later ages than their parents and are often aware that, “at their age, many of their parents owned homes and were very stable,” says licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., author of Don’t You Know Who I Am?. A recent Pew Research Center study found that just 44% of Millennials were married in 2019, compared with 53% of Gen Xers, and 61% of Boomers. When they do get married, it’s at a later age. Pew found that, in 2019, the average man got married at age 30 and the average woman at 28. That’s three years later than the averages in 2003 and seven years later than in 1968. “The combination of practicality and different scripts about marriage means that this generation may be moving forward in a different way,” Durvasula says. Millennials are also more than OK with doing things a little differently than previous generations. “They don’t face the same kinds of pressures and ‘rules’ about following a narrative script—meet, get married, buy a house, have a kid— as such they may be more willing to view this in a more novel manner,” Durvasula says.
Plenty of relationship experts back the idea of a millennial marriage
“Instead of wasting time and money on one day, the couple can invest in a hard asset, have a home, and start moving forward with their lives in a more fiscally on-point manner,” Durvasula says. “Leftover cake is not a long-term asset; a home or condo is.” Durvasula says that big weddings are a “rather old-fashioned” concept, and moving away from a focus on those helps couples zero in on “the more meaningful element of the actual relationship—their future together.” Making sound financial decisions like purchasing a house instead of a wedding may even reduce the risk of arguments about money—a huge issue many couples face, Cilona says. “Financial stress can have an extremely negative and far-reaching impact and is often cited as a leading contributor to break-ups," he says. Millennials are also making it clear that they want to make decisions on their own, regardless of what people before them have done. “Compared to previous generations, many millennials are not influenced by perceived pressure to adhere to traditional norms,” Cilona says. “They may even experience breaking norms as their own ‘normal’ given the dramatic changes in often very entrenched social and cultural norms that have dominated their entire life experience.”
Millennial marriages have some potential drawbacks, though
For starters, there’s a risk of ticking off more traditional family members—but that can have long-term gain for couples. “It sets a precedent for a couple to not just relent on major life decisions, such as a big wedding, for family members, and sets a course for a couple to do things the way they work for them,” Durvasula says. It’s also possible that couples may regret not bringing family and friends together to celebrate their union, she says. Overall, though, Durvasula says that millennial marriages are a “great” idea.
Doing a millennial marriage still takes preparation
Even though a millennial marriage may be the more practical way to go, Durvasula says it’s still important for couples to approach it the smart way. “Make sure you have your legal and financial ducks in line in terms of legally getting married and how you purchase and finance the home,” she says. Durvasula also recommends being ready as a couple for push-back from family and friends who want to go to a “real” wedding. “You can still draw people close—perhaps post-pandemic and in your new backyard or patio—and just have a nice get-together without all of the expensive bells and whistles of a wedding,” she says. “But be prepared for the blowback and make sure the two of you are on the same page.” Overall, though, Durvasula has this message for people who opt for a millennial marriage: “Good for you.” Looking to have a courthouse wedding? Here are 30 tips for planning a courthouse wedding!
